Interview with a Burglar

August 9, 2010 in Burglar alarms

Post image for Interview with a Burglar

I sit in a visitors booth anticipating the arrival of my new found acquaintance.  I’m wondering how much force it would take to break the security glass in front of me.  I suppose I would have to speak with the manufacturer.  That’s the best way to get information.  Straight from the horse’s mouth.  That is, after all, why I have come to visit this prison.  To get information straight from the horse’s mouth; to speak one on one with a convicted burglar and gain insight into home security.

In walks Sam, escorted by a prison guard.   He sits down and grins deeply, exposing the monstrous gums of a thoroughbred.  I can’t help but crack a smile; straight from the horses mouth indeed.  Sam picks up the phone receiver.  I half expect him to chomp into it like Mister Ed into an apple.

Sam: Welcome back.

Joe: Thanks, I can’t seem to get enough of your stories. I’d like to hear another one if you have the time.

Sam: All I got is time, kid.

(We both crack a smile.)

Sam: How ’bout I tell ya ’bout the easiest job I ever did?

(I nod expectantly.)

Sam: So I’m casing this joint for a few weeks.  Nice little piece of suburbia.  Perfect street for a hit.  I’m parked in my van right on the street like an amateur and no one even notices.  No suspicious folks taking photos of my licence plates.  Nothin!  Never even seen neighbors say a word to each other. Beautiful!

Joe: Wait, what makes that beautiful?

Sam: Think about it kid, if neighbors can’t even be bothered to say hello to each other, you can bet they aint formed no neighborhood watch.

(I mouth a silent ‘oh’ and nod.)

Sam: So I choose the juiciest house on the block, not the most expensive, mind ya, but this lovely little home.  Got mail piled a mile high.  Must be on a vacation I’m thinkin.

Sam: So I wait till dusk and I get inside the privacy fence that surrounds the yard.  I just love it when I have some privacy to do my work.  I stroll around the house looking for an entry point.  When I get to the front door I find that the morons stuck the key right under a potted plant on the porch!

(Sam laughs)

Joe:  You got lucky!

Sam: Luck had nothin to do with it kid. You’d be surprised how many chumps hide a key in an obvious spot.  Under a plant, or under a doormat.  They always seem to hide it right near the door.

Sam:  So I head on in, and seeing no signs that I triggered an alarm, I head straight for the bedrooms.  That’s where the good stuff is always hidden.  Jewellery, cash, private information, it’s always right there in the bedroom.  Always.

Joe: My folks never did that, we always had a secret place somewhere else in the house to hide valuables.

Sam: Good thinkin on their part kid, where’s the secret place?

(I playfully make a hand gesture commonly employed by drivers. Sam grins and continues.)

Sam: I’m real big on laptops, easy to carry away and a quick to sell.  So easy to hide those little beauties but people never do.  I always feel a bit bad when I scoop one up.

(My expression displays intense curiosity and confusion, he notices and explains.)

Sam:  I mean about the photos kid.  Nobody develops film no more, nobody backs up their family photos and videos and hides ’em separately.  They just leave it on the hard-drive.  Now I’m a family man myself, so I feel a bit bad about stealing memories, but then again, hey…

(Sam cuts off his sentence with a ‘hey’ that expresses his submission to the way the cookie crumbles.)

(The prison guard calls on Sam.  Time’s up.)

Sam: That’s my cue kid, gotta go, my cell-mate is waiting for a game pinochle.

(There’s a dry humour underlying his tone of voice.)

Joe: Sam wait!  You haven’t told me how you got caught.

(Sam unleashes a mighty grin, and just as I expect him to release the victorious neigh of a Kentucky Derby champ, he relaxes his face.)

Sam:  Let’s just say that not every suburbanite is as naive as those folks.

Photo via Frostey

Previous post:

Next post:

Copyright © 2012. All Rights Reserved. Home | About | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy